The loneliness hits my heart like an arrow
Shatter the world that I had already known
As my world crumbles down to pieces
I try to reach out for your hand....

As memories slowly pass me by
I found myself lost in this journey
Of you and me and what we had done
All of this is just but the past

As I get drunk in this melanchony
Savouring its taste just like beer
It's bitter sweet taste rushing down
Sweetness in the sadness it has become

(K i better stop now... esle ppl will think I am sucidal...perhaps I am, or perhaps I am wierd...I just prefer to be alone now...savouring my loneliness just like a nice cold beer)

Feeling Melancholic

Today is Starry Night 3...

As I stand there listening to E.I.C, watching Mel with his Fodera, memories came back to me.

I can't suppress the feeling of sadness rushing up to me like a tsunami...

Perhaps the beer...but I only had one... Perhaps its EIC's songs...

Memories keep on flashing through my head. Memories of my life in SMU... Of the people that had affected me...Of my first times...Of my last times...Of my friends and all...All that and more...Keep on rushing into my brain...

I can't help but feel the hot rush of tears coming up...Luckily I could suppress it.

It would be wierd if I just cry out like that...

I also decided to lock up my heart and throw away the key to the deepest abyess.
Love is never an easy game to play. And I admit I am giving it up even b4 anything happen. Why? Coz I have no self-confident in myself. I am not worthy...I will never touch your heart. You and I belong to different worlds.

As I am typing this, Jack is singing You're God...

Yes You're a god and I'm not...I just want to let you know....

Heaven is so hard to reach... I think I will give up before I fall and die...

Sorry....

Which bass should I get?

The Schecter Studio 4 - MIK
Nice feel, Active controls - Classy look


The Fender Jazz Bass - MIJ
Nice feel with great growl, the classic bass


The B.C.Rich Warlock - MIK
Ultimate metal bass - Will make ppl go OMGZ

Fat...Fatter...Fattest

How do you noe you are fat?

1) Your suit doesn't fit anymore

2) The formal black pants don't fit anymore

3) You need to panic and call your project mates not to wear suit coz u can't wear it anymore

Sigh... Tat's wat i am FAT FAT FAT!!!

I need either a corset... or to go gym!!!

Sad - Sadder - Saddest

I feel that I am nothing but a loser... an under achiever... a nobody trying to be somebody but failed coz everybody only care abt this nobody when they need somebody to help them.

Yes...I am nobody...Just a faint voice in the crowds...Drown out by the waves...Unheard...Unseen...Uncared for...

I always felt empty inside...I have a void inside me that I have to fill up. Perhaps that is why I had always being helpful, doing events, working my ass off. It is to fill up this void of mine so that I will be numbed.

But it is not working... I will drained and worst... I feel alone at times...Even when I have so many friends...I still feel alone...

Thank you all for your kind words...But I still feel sad about myself...I feel alone

Nothing has being going correct for me...When things I do out of helpfulness becomes a cage to enslave me...When I try to care for people and they treat me with fear and distrust...

It's true... I am a nobody...with nobody to love...nobody loves me...

Please pray for my mom

To anybody reading this, please kindly pray for my mom.

My mom had fallen down during work and injured her hand.

She can't move her wrist now and its a suspected fracture.

How I hope that I can transfer all her pain and suffering into me.

Yes...Into the useless bum of her son that doesn't really need a wrist anyway.

I feel damn helpless when I can't do a single damn shit for her. WHY! WHY!

Why must misfortune strike people when they don't deserve it?

Although my mom is taking it quite ok, I feel that she's putting on a front just for us. She's old and suffering from other illness. This new injury will be hard for her.

If only I have the power to transfer her pain to me...If only I could... I will give anything just to see her well again =(

Sick sick SiCk sIcK SICK....

It's being 3 weeks, and I am still down with flu and sineous infection.

In fact, I have no appetite at all. My breakfast / Lunch (Brunch) was just a banana and a slice of papaya.

The antibodies that are individually packaged to look like condoms don't even work at all. Kaoz...Maybe I should go for antibodies that look like vibrators? haha sheesh....

Sick, Sineous hurting, Cold, lonely... the only good thing that happen is that I killed 6 mozzies without the use of the powerful Baygon.

Sigh... Sigh... I wanna get well soon! =( and also finish up all my reports and presentations hahaha


Is that a condom or a pill?

K it is a pill "Curum 625mg..." But why package into a condom wanabe?

Happy tots...inspired by Tracy

K Doctor Tracy has asked me to think of happy tots and be more positive of myself.

Belong is something that always make me smile whenever I think of it.

There was one time when toad was sending swan home on a cab after supper at bencoolen. During the journey, Swan was relieving off her frustration and worries about her upcoming performance. She was worried for her fellow swans as this performance will determine many things, among it, the chance for the new ones to experience the trill of flight.

As Swan vocalized her worries, Toad just sit there quietly, absorbing Swan's worries like a sponge. While quietly absorbing, Toad was looking at Swan, remembering her very detail and hoping that by the end of week, the memory of what he has of Swan today will change from a worried swan to a carefree one.

There was once when Swan's eyes cross Toad's and as if embarassed, Toad immediately look down shyly.

Why did this make me smile? Coz this was the only few times when I could be there for you. Becoming your sponge and taking care of you, protecting you. And that's why it's a happy tot... =)

See a doctor when you are sick

K something that I should be doing long time ago... Finally I seen a doctor and the verdict is a series of infections. Throat, Sineous and maybe lung? Sheesh...

So I am now on a dosage of antibodies, so power that they have to vacum seal each one by itself... manz... I must be super sick.

I am feeling better today except for the drowsiness due to medication and the pain in my sineous and coughing out green and sometimes bloody phelgm. Like kinda sux when u are sick.

Btw I just watched the Campus Superstar competition. I think Clara and Teresa has a high chance of being the final two. Yes, Ah Fu does watch this kind of shows occasionally. It makes life less mudane and more exciting. It takes a performer to know a performer. But then, most performers I know are much stronger then them anyway, considering the amount of years they had performed compared to them.

Nevertheless, to Clara and Teresa, good luck! Ignore those comments online. People get jealous easily. You can sue them for defamation if you want to. Trust me, its damn easy, especially if you have a status and reputation to withhold.

Cheers and jia u and see a doc when u are sick =)

How do you know that you are realli sick

1) When you have being sneezing non stop for a week

2) When you wear a jacket when your friends are complaining of the heat

3) When you cough out blood

4) When swallowing anything (even your own saliva) hurts like hell

5) When you feel light-headed even before you start to drink beer or wine

6) When your left check starts to feel numb and painful due to infected Sineous

7) When you feel like sleeping but you can't due to the pain and suffering

Somebody just kill me...

Love is....

When you sms her to send her home on a cab when you have the last $20 in your wallet

When you stay up late online so that you can see her online even when you have 830 class tml.

When whatever she says affected you emotionally, bringing you through a rollercoaster ride from saddness to happiness

When you think of her every now and then and even songs can trigger off a memory of her

When you will wait for her to go offline, before you will go to sleep yourself

When you try to make her happy with jokes (Notice the word try...)

When you behave meekly infront of her, obeying all her wishes

When you find out that you do not belong to youself anymore and she's your new owner

when you find it hard to say 3 simple words, "I love you" coz you fear that she will leave you and never come back again.

Yes I don't dare to look you in the eye and tell you the truth...That makes me weak and useless right? Sigh, I don't think I deserve any love from you anyway. I am just a little toad, in his puddle, looking at you, a swan in the sky.

CS - My old / new obsession

Something nice happen today.

While on the way back to CCA room, two guys that I seldom tok to in my 4 years in SMU suddenly ask me if I wanna play CS with them and shared the joy of sniping, camping and head shoting.

Gosh... it's being years since I done tat and of coz I agreed. Together with me on the CS bandwagon was Wenyun the mambo king and Zhiyang the hairy king.

It was a joyous evening.

Thank you Wei Peng and Jeremy! Thank you for the CS and the shiok moments! =)

And lets see who will win next time, CT or the Terrorist and beware of the shotgun muahahaha

The route to happiness!

How can you make Ah Fu happy?

1) Give him a Ramly

2) Give him a bowl of shark fin

3) Give him a chicken wing

4) Give him Cepedak

5) All of the above

The answer is of coz 5!

I did all that after a scan through the tampines interchange Pasar Malam.

To Antz, Mike, Meiju, Jun, Syarifah and any tampines ppl who reads my blog, please try the following:

Sharkfin -> Go to the Thai one, the one nearest to the POSB Bank area. It taste really good! The stall even feels like one to Thailand =)

Ramly Burgers -> Go to the one nearest to the POSB Bank Area also. The dudes cooking is really good! Uses some nice spices and the Ramly burger paper wrapping. Sure power! But meat abit the dry (sigh)

K to end of this gluttony and happy blog, Please guess the following

1) What is a anorexic's fave drink?

2) Which drink is totally impolite!!!

Muahahahahaha =)

The rights of a blogger or the lack of it

As we all know, blogging has always being a tool for expression. For tokking cock, revealing your inner most tots, your feelings abt the Ga Men etc. etc.

Many people feel that it is a place to express your own views openly without any police knocking on your door to catch you...

Well boys and girls, I am sorry but you are wrong!

Blogging is the easiest way for you to get sued for Defamation! Especially in Singapore context.

According to the Defamation Act and intepretation by lawers etc. etc.

You will only need to prove the following:

1. The statement must be defamatory in nature;
2. The statement must refer to the plaintiff; and
3. The statement must be published.

Which means, if we wanna complain or accuse people of anything, we better be careful coz the other people can sue you for defamation.

What are the defense?

We are use the following:

Defense of justification - prove that it's really true! But this is hard if you are accusing people in power

Defense of fair comment - No malice is intended. It is made as a 3rd party observation and in the name of public interest.

Indeed, Defamation is a scary thing, especially online

So all you fellow bloggers, please take extreme care when you blog ok?

Next, Dear Royston, sorry for the response on my blog towards your posting. Perhaps it is my wrongful understanding of your post... but wellz, my english sux (C6 mah...)
But then, as a friend, I would hope that better understanding is made between you and Studio Comm. Sometimes Gerard and I do things that are illogical to you, but logical to us. Perhaps it is the different in prospective that created the unhappiness.

But nevertheless (did i spell that correctly?) I do hope that you will try to understand us more. Understanding, openness and transparency will make the world a better place, which is hard for Studio Comm as we are always a ninjia group and slaves for SMU, which I am not complaining coz I choose the path myself.

Good luck for your future endevours and hope that you and your band will cut an album soon. I do enjoy your songs =)

Another sad post... yet again

This is quite sad... super sad... super duper sad...

You know why? Coz... Coz... Coz...

The Tampines Mart Pasar Malam SUX to the max!!!

There's only one ramli burger store, one takopachi / salmon pizza store, one mixed chinese food stall and one stinky tofu stall....

What on earth happen to the Taiwanese Chicken chop?

Manz... it's damn depression.. and the Ramli...no power one =(

Boo Hoo.. excuse me while I find one corner to cry...

This is the worst pasar malam to hit my part of the town!!!

Living in dreams before reality blows it away...

Love is something illogical but magical but sometimes, many of us choose to live in a dream instead of facing reality. I am such a person. I continue to live in my dream and lack the courage to find the truth.

What if she doesn't like me?

What if she already has someone?

What if... what if...

And this leaves me unfinished... living in a dream, that is broken and tattered, where the winds of reality can blow it all away...

Therefore, I present to you again, one of my fave song, Unfinished by X-Japan.

Oh! I'm looking at you
Can't control myself
Nothing, but pain for me

Wipe your tears from your eyes
Just leave and forget me
No need to be hurt anymore

Go away from me now
I don't know 'What is love?
No need to be hurt anymore

You said, "I miss you so much"
"Everynight thinking of you
and facing loneliness"

But when you feel sadness
never can I stay with you

I'm not the one you need
Close your eyes and forget me
There's nothing I can do anymore

I lost my way

I've been walking in the night of tears
There I found someone was holding you
As the night was falling down
With my love also vanished my vision of you

My heart is cold now

Wipe your tears from your eyes
Just leave and forget me
No need to be hurt anymore

You said, "I need you always."
"Everyday thinking of you
and living loneliness."

But when you feel sadness
never can I stay with you

Go away from me now
I don't know 'What is love?
No need to be hurt anymore

Can't find my way

Song, Lyrics, Arrangement by: X-Japan

The toad n the swan

K enough of the previous stuff. There's not going to be any end to it. Thanx Wanida for your tag. 3 somemore, it proves that you got read! Darnie also! Thanx to Jun, Gerard, Jason and Antz (Redbean) for reading and tagging. To Big Bear and Janice, who are u ah? Kindly intro lei...

Now back to the main story of a sad blog (again...)

The story of a toad n a swan.

Today was a happy day for toad. Swan's birthday is today. Although apprehensive, he bought her a gift and a small little cake just in case her friends didn't buy one for her. After work, he rush over to her party, hoping that he will not be late.

However, during the party, he felt wierd. He is a toad and they are all swans. Graceful, beautiful and flying high in the sky, they are something that he will never be. So the toad kept quiet and hide at one corner, looking out at the balcony, looking at the night scenary. While looking hard outside, the toad hoped that he could be a swan too. So that he too, can fly and soar and be graceful enough for swan. But he is not... Coz a toad will be a toad, a swan will be a swan. Never can a toad fly, never can a toad soar...

Therefore, the toad kept quiet all throughout the night while the rest of the swans were playing. He felt that he will never break into their world, never be part of them. He's an outcast, a toad, not a beautiful swan like them. And he will never be good enough for swan anyway. Like an oyster, toad started to clam up, hiding in his shell. He felt that he will spoil the party with his croaking, for he is not a swan and never will he be...Coz a toad will be a toad, a swan will be a swan. Never can a toad fly, never can a toad soar...

Thank you my dear swan for inviting me to your birthday. I hope that the gift I will give you soon will serve the propose of protecting you as it will be there as I did in the past. Soon the chances of our world crossing will lessen as I am graduating soon. I will never be a swan like you, graceful and beautiful. Thank you for showing me your world. It has being nice to be flying even if it was just a dream. And now, it's time for toad to go back to his pond... for there's where he belong...

It is not your fault or your fellow swans. Like I say, I am too much a toad to belong to your world, I belong to my little pond away from civilization...I belong to myself and loneliness...

Wellz, I just let go of my frustration and anon ppl start to tag on my blog asking me to be more humble and that the equipment is not mine etc.

Hi Mr. Anon, it's true that I should be more humble and take I should take it as constructive comments and the equipment is not mine too.

Wellz, but then, lets say it happen to you. You gave people lots of benefits but at the cost of your studies and life and people still think that what you had done is an entitlement and they should have it too. Then who's fault is it?

Is it my fault to be nice to people?

Or is it their fault for taking advantage of me?

Somehow, I think I should close down Studio Comm, sell away the equipment. Heck care about the events scence in SMU.
You all don't need people like us who hoard the equipment by helping out Assoc, Bondue, MIC, Emix, SSU and many other clubs at our own expense. Once we reject people coz we are overtax, they say we are hoarding equipment. Once we organize an event, people say we are abusing power without seeing that we had use the same equipment for their events or other people's events in the past before.

If people are going to be like that, then fuck it. Close it down. No point.
It doesn't matter for them. They don't do the hard labour. They just relax at one corner and watch us do the labour and complain when they don't get part of the benefits.

Seriously, I never wanted all this to happen anyway. By helping others, I dug my own grave. People who noe nothing abt Studio Comm, its past and the things we had done at our own expense shouldn't comment at all. But then it's a free country where people can comment and complain about anything anyway.

K I should stop complaining. You should too =) Lets be peaceful and friendly people that the Singapore Ga Men advocates us to be. Esle terrorist will attack us soon

(To Annon, sorry for that. I thanx you for your comments on my little blog. Perhaps I am too heated and angry and didn't see things in other people's view as well. By posting about this, perhaps, I am just as wrong as I claim the other person to be. But then, sometimes, I feel wronged by people when they assume what I had done out of friendship is an entitlement to all students. That's why I flared up. Sorry about that ok?)

Pasar Malam is coming!!!

Finally, something good is happening!

A pasar malam is coming to TAMPINES!!!

Not one... BUT TWO!!!!

SHIOK!!! Ramli Burger and Taiwan Chicken Chop, here I come =)

Angry post!!!!

Someone's blog made me reflect on what I had being doing for the past few years in SMU.

I had set up Studio Comm, a student body responsible for operations of SMU Studios and its equipment and provided the studio and its equipment FOC to most bands and CCAs. Soon, we became a team of technical commandos, able to rival even external professionals, making the office heavily dependant on us for technical knowledge. In short, I had given my life, my soul, my time, my everything to SMU via Studio Comm.

Recently, someone blog that he think that my studio comm didn't serve SMU as he think we should and that we had misused our equipment by organizing FACE OFF as a party for me, the founding chairperson.

1. We, as Studio Comm, had never being unfair to any club. We set the rules, which were approved by OSL and even went against it when it is seem unfair. But I am fair and helpful to all. Ask Bondue, Ask Assoc, Ask SSU etc. I had done so many events in SMU and done sound professionally for them. It is the current new campus and new regulations that make things difficult for all of us. If you want to blame, blame SMU, not Studio Comm. There were people who damaged my equipment in the past without repairing them, and I still absorb the cost. Somehow, the saying that being nice to others is being cruel to yourself seems so true now

2. FACE OFF is a joint concert organized by Studio Comm, Guitarissimo and Sound Foundry. As the main organizer, Studio Comm reserves the right to choose the bands. You don't question Travel Club for choosing Jetlaxx, you don't question Bondue for choosing Jetlaxx and 7 Till Dawn, you don't question SSU for choosing other bands etc. Then why question us?

3. Studio Comm can also organize events and we can do it in whatever way we want it to be. The audience for FACE OFF did enjoyed it. One of the aims for FACE OFF is also to test the limits of my equipment to see how far I can push it, which I did. I also manage to secure friendly relationships with Showtec, which will benefit many other SMU groups. So before you shoot off your mouth saying we are selfish bastard using SMU's property for their own concert, please try to understand more of it first. If other people can organize concerts, why not us?

4. Although I had done many stupid things in the past, it saddens me to see people I had helped in the past, make cruel comments about my Studio Comm and me and my members. Perhaps you had never done an event before properly. Studio Comm came in to support so many people foc when we can actually earn the $$ by working for external companies. We are not SMU's slaves as many people believe. We have our lives, our girlfriends and boyfriends. Me and Gerard even gave up our lovelife, so that we can serve SMU better. We are not like you all, sitting inside your SR surfing on your laptop while your prof lecture. We are all slogging like manual labour, events after events together with the event organizer and our brothers and sisters from SMUBE. If you think you are as good as me, then do what I am doing. Esle don't complain coz I am HUMAN and I will get TIRED and I am a STUDENT and I need to STUDY!!!

FUCK OFF you fucking chee byes bastards who are sorry excuses of a human being walking on GOD's green earth. It's people like you that destroy and demoralize people.

Please learn to see the world from other people's eyes and learn to open up your heart more before you destroy yourself.

I hate mozzies!

The worst thing that can happen to you is when you are sleeping soundly only to be woken up by damn mozzies!

Yes! Those irritating little pesk...Flying around sucking your blood...making you feel itchy and pissed off

Finally, I had enough! I close all my windows and unlesh hell upon them! The power of Bygone was released!

After 1/2 hr, I went back to my room and discover not 1, not 2 but 7 dead mozzies full of blood. Kaoz...and I always assumed that it's just 1 mozzie.

Dear friends, if you are being attacked by mozzies, kindly bygone them! I do not want you to get any Dengue fever ok!!!

Silent and trapped

A silent worker he is,
Forever working, Forever slaving
Without fail, he will be there
Without fail, he will take care

A silent worker he is,
Forever doing, Never resting
Other's burden, he will carry
All your troubles, he will worry

(TBC)

This post is for Gerard, for being a silent worker

Fear

Time for another sad post again...

I am always not someone who can express himself
Like oyster hiding within his shell
So how can I tell you girl

That I being liking you since the day
I saw you standing faraway
So how can I tell you...

I am always shy when I'm near you
The words can't seem to come out true
So how can I tell you girl

That I being dreaming of you day n night
Of a future that will be alright
So how can I tell you...

How I can tell you...

Face Off is over...

Finally, Face Off is over and done with!

After many nights of setting up and tearing down, late supper, lack of sleep and rising tempers etc. It is over already.

Now I feel damn empty.

Face Off to me, is more important then Grand Opening or Patron's Day.

Its an event that I wanted, I fought for and one that my Studio Comm can call our own.

This event will never make it without:

1) Jason and Anthony thinking of having a crazy concert with us all in it

2) Gerard planning all the tech stuff

3) Shuhui with her photoshop skills and resourcefulness

4) LN n Fifi with their organization skills

5) The 3 bands for committing time and effort to make this a scream!

6) Mike, Dush, Fifi for a drum solo that will put Samba Masal to shame

7) Gerry who activated the secret code 'Show me the money'

8) ACF who activated the secret code 'Show me the money' also

Lastly, Margaret Chan, who nagged, whipped, guided, threaten and train us from nerdy geeks to rock performers, event organizers and power house tech crew!

This concert is for you as much as it is for us.

Special thanx to Xiaomei, Hamster, Chinchilla, Nicole, Natalie, Syafifah, Sisimo Fan club and the others who come to see this concert. It may be my last in SMU. It has being fun while it lasted.

I will miss the stage, the smoke, the lights and lastly, I will miss you, the audience.

Thank you for being there for us, the performers. Without you, we are nothing but wannabes.

Thank you for a dream come true